Keith [Mariana’s Muse]

Age: 29
Racial Background: German, Scottish, Australian
Physical description: 6’3”, well-built, tanned, blonde hair, blue eyes, chiseled features, great smile

Keith is a Financial Analyst working on a timely project based in Asia. He is originally from Australia and once his business project is completed, he will return home. Keith is a genuinely happy individual who loves the outdoors, surfing, extreme sports and enjoys listening to folk music. He is unique yet relatable and in more ways than one, resembles Mariana’s character traits.

Keith lives by the words of James Dean, “Dream as if you’ll live forever. Live as if you’ll die today.”

I was never one to believe in love at first sight. On the contrary, I would think it’d be more of infatuation at first sight rather than love. I mean, come on. Realistically, how can you tell you love someone just by looking at them? Which brings me to what happened earlier today.

Linnea asked Orianna and I to attend this “Playboy Mansion” themed party. Just one of those events thrown by her model friends. I thought it was a good idea because we seriously needed to get Orianna out of moping around the house for the past two weeks after the surgery. 

Oh, right. I forgot to mention. Ori succumbed to the pressure of both my mom and dad to “get rid of it”. She isn’t handling it too well and her emotions are sky rocketing and plummeting but I think that’s only normal. I cannot begin to even imagine how it must feel to constantly question yourself what your life could have been. I know my parents were trying to lift her burden by being the ones to have called out the hard decision of abortion. Still, I know this may be easier said than done, but I’m one who believes in living with the consequences of your actions no matter how bad the situation lands you in. There is always a way to see things in a better light and make the situation better. I could not live with a peace of mind otherwise. My lesser of two evils is to live with the consequences of my actions. As of now, it is better to just ingrain in all our heads that a short moment of passion isn’t worth a lifetime of regret. And mind you, in my eyes, an abortion is the lifetime of regret not having a child and keeping it.

Anyhow, Orianna has been a serious dead weight ever since and for good reasons. Plus, I haven’t been the lightest weight either ever since my ex cheated on me so Linnea decided to drag us out to all her exclusive parties to meet new people and loosen up. This week, it was the “Playboy Mansion”.

We arrived to the party all decked out in our bunny costumes and ridiculously late, as per usual. Linnea seems to think it’s “fashionably” late but I hardly think arriving 3 hours late is very fashionable at all.

As I sipped on a chilled bottle of cider handed to us the minute we got through the entrance, I stepped into a crowd of familiar faces. Not the familiarity of really good friends but more so that I see them so often in these events Linnea invites me to. It’s interesting how small the industry is and how everyone knows everyone but for some reason, they pretend they don’t. It’s more funny than interesting actually.

Linnea leads Orianna and I to her regular group of model friends and introduces us briefly to the ones we didn’t know. I’ve been to her events often enough (I do like surveying these events to widen my perspectives) so I only haven’t met this particularly tall man with blonde hair and blue eyes.

“Hi, I’m Keith,” he extends his hand out to me and gave me hearty shake to accompany his boyish grin.

“Mariana, it’s nice meeting you,” I gave my regular courteous introduction and smiled back.

We all continued into our circle of conversations but I couldn’t help noticing his presence from the corner of my eye. In case you hadn’t caught on, I am a sucker for tall men. I didn’t really get a chance to look at him and since I didn’t want him to catch me staring I did the complete opposite and didn’t even take a single glance his way, but I do remember his smile. Yes, he had a nice smile. 

I hate to make assumptions but unfortunately, my brain is hardwired to do so and so I did. I assumed he was another one of those air headed foreign models or artists that classify themselves as free-spirits whom of which decided one day to pack their bags from their home country and explore another world to discover their innate desires or something or rather along those lines. And because of that, I thought of nothing further to pursue my attraction to him. 

Throughout the next couple of hours, I mingled and did small talk with pretty much whoever that was closest to me. Linnea was, as usual, the social butterfly that was frolicking from group to group and I hardly spoke to her the whole night where as Orianna was mostly sipping on her fourth— probably fifth— glass of wine halfheartedly engaged in a conversation with a gorgeous hunk of a dude, which was clearly extremely into her by the way his body was positioned and the intense look he was giving her. Ori doesn’t look impressed though. She just looked bored. And a little drunk.

As I stared blankly at the plasma TV screen that was showing random music video clips, I felt someone plopped next to me on the couch I was sitting on.

“So, do you come to these kind of parties often?” To my pleasant surprised, it was Keith asking that question.

I looked at him and finally got a chance to really look at him. He had chiseled features which soften up when he smiled. He really did have a great smile, which lit up his entire face and I swear I could see a twinkle in his eyes when it happens.

Before I seemed like an idiot for staring, I quickly answered, “Oh, well, often enough. I’m a writer and I like to do attend all sorts of societal events for research purposes.” The moment I said that I felt like knocking my head. I might’ve totally been offending him especially if he really was a foreign model (there are plenty of those here so it wouldn’t be surprising). I sound as though I’m a nature explorer studying zoo animals or something. And if he were a zoo animal, he probably wouldn’t be particularly thrilled to be part of a research specimen.

He just laughed. “That is awesome! What do you write for?” Phew, I had not yet offended him. I think.

I told him about being an advice columnist and my aspirations of expanding my field of experience by writing for travel and lifestyle magazines and eventually to writing autobiographies for amazing individuals to be published as novels. He seemed genuinely interested. I later found out he was here only for a few months as a Financial Analyst working on a project here. Pretty much explains the far less hippie conversation I am having with him compared to the ones I normally have with free-spirited models and artists. But then I groan on the inside because once again, I’ve met someone who I like, who won’t be here for very much longer.

Regardless, It was certainly refreshing to have such a hearty conversation with someone after so long. After only a 10-minute conversation with Keith, I decided that I liked the guy. I’m pretty sure he decided he liked me too because he did mentioned, “Okay, I must have your number.”

Which brings me to my point in all this. My theory is that there is no such thing as “love at first sight”. Again, I think it is simply ridiculous to be able to think you can be in love with someone just by looking at them. I think the feeling of infatuation when you are physically attracted to someone is simply mistaken for love. Now, “love at first speech” on the other hand… we shall put this theory to the test.

I think I am finally ready to share a touch of my oh-so-exciting love life. Just like everyone else, I like to keep my love life nice and simple. But let’s not get disillusioned here. The more we try to keep it simple, the more life throws us curved fire balls and flying axes from all directions. 

Let’s cut to the chase. I’ve been single for approximately 6 months now. I’ve got my heart broken more than once and I’ve probably broken a few myself; just keepin’ it real, homies. I am no different from everyone else. I get crap thrown at me just the same. Of course, my crap may not be crap to others and vice versa. Regardless, it still makes us feel like crap anyway, right? Each to their own.

So, here’s the current crap I have to deal with. For some reason, any potential guy I have met do not share a permanent geographical location as I do. Kind of makes you wonder how the heck we met in the first place, right? Well, obviously by some kind of chance or God’s will, a meeting took place in a common geographical location and then, poof! He’s gone. 

It is just the most frustrating thing to have a great connection with someone only to know that it just simply isn’t going to work out. You’re probably thinking… LDR! For those who have triumphed and are sharing their amazing stories of their successful long distance relationships… well, good for you. As much of an optimist as I would like to think I am, it is difficult for me to believe in LDR anymore after two failed attempts. Both of my only serious relationships’ tail-end of it was long distance and they both ended up in shreds. Human beings were meant to share their lives together not apart. I think LDR is fine if there was a reasonable deadline. Even so, it would be a tremendously difficult task for me to complete because of my trust issues. So instead of setting myself up for possible disaster and a broken heart, I have officially decided to screw LDR. 

Another problem I have to deal with is the type of men out there for me. Being of mixed cultures and background, I have a very specific combination of traits I like in men. They say we attract people much like ourselves. Physically, I tend to appeal to both my backgrounds so I do attract Caucasian and Asian men alike. I am physically attracted to both the lots so that’s settled. In terms of substance, however, there are pros and cons. Now here’s where it gets tricky.

I am not going to go into analytical mode and list down the pros and cons amongst Caucasian and Asian men because realistically speaking, it will be too much of a generalization because not all Caucasian men are the same and that goes for Asian men as well. However, I will point out a couple of things that I believe are issues in the respective types of men. Disclaimer: this is really just my personal opinion. Some of you may disagree but it wouldn’t matter because I already wrote a disclaimer, hah.

Anywho, the problem I find in most (keyword) Caucasian guys are cultural differences. Because I was raised the Asian way by my father, Ray, when I was growing up, I am used to being treated with a lot more courtesy and respect. Yes, Asian men tend to spoil their women by constantly worrying and fussing over us, ensuring that no matter what, the ladies are always first, serving women before themselves while dining, having us walk in the inner lane of any street to keep us safe from zooming vehicles, walking us safely to our destination no matter how short or long the distance… I could go on. Essentially all the chauvinistic and ridiculously thoughtful stuff that women these days take for granted. Of course, I am not saying Caucasian guys don’t do some of these… but they sure as heck don’t do all of it. Unless of course they were also raised in the same environment. Which is rare. Nonetheless, the great thing about Caucasian guys that I personally like is that they are a lot more open-minded, carefree and loyal. Yep, I said it. Loyal.

Which brings me to Asian men. Now, the problem I find in most (keyword!) Asian guys are cultural issues. For some reason, there are still a ton of Asian men out there who sincerely believe that hiring a whore is not considered cheating. And if they don’t fall into that category, they may fall into the category of visiting bars or clubs where they would pay extravagant amounts of money to have call girls entertain them. The sad part is, this is actually a work culture turned social culture. The sadder part is, more men in relationships go to these places than single men. And don’t even get me started on the men who have more than 3 girlfriends (as long as they can afford it) whereby the first girlfriend will not know of the second and third, the second will know of the first but not the third, and the third will know of all… until a fourth comes along, of course. Widely practice for a wealthy man!

I am not saying Caucasian guys don’t cheat. But I am saying that Asian men are more likely to cheat (the worst and scary part is they don’t even think it’s cheating sometimes…). Let’s just put it this way. If you’re constantly surrounded by temptation, it is simply human nature to eventually give in no matter how good a heart you have. The influences surrounding you shape your thought processes and your point of view. If all your friends think it’s not cheating to sleep with a whore since feelings are not involved, you may eventually be convinced of that fact. So by general fact, since it is more widely practiced in Asia to visit these “dirty” (for lack of a better word) types of clubs, cheating is also more widely practiced. Hence, my reservations on Asian men or just men in general which are constantly exposed to this sort of environment.

Given all this, would I rather lose out on the little things or the big picture? See, this is a toughy. Because the little things matter still. Of course, without the main object, a machine isn’t going to function at all. But without the little screws and bolts, that machine wouldn’t function properly. Is a broken machine better than no machine at all? Some would argue it’s not.

Gosh, sometimes, I scare myself at how philosophically metaphoric I can be. If I let my mind seriously wander, the possibilities of my ink spills can be infinite.

Okay, let’s get back to the issue at hand. I guess at the end of it, what I am looking for is a good balance. Or possibly, the best of both worlds. A man, with great family values, ridiculous respect for women, a genuine chauvinist, an amazing sense of humour, spontaneous and courageous, and ultimately, a man with a good heart. Oh, and it wouldn’t hurt if he was pretty hunky too. Too much to ask?

Whenever I hear shocking news, my reaction never gets as big as people expect it to be. I actually surprise myself and the people around me at how calm I get when something crazy happens. Sometimes, a little too calm. Maybe that’s how I freak out. By being calm. Oxymoronic, I know.

So when Orianna comes into my “office” and blasts me with the news of her pregnancy, I kept my composure even though my mind was whirring with questions of what-ifs, who the father is, how did it happen and blasting OMGs jumbled in between. 

“Say something, Ana,” Orianna looked at me with watery eyes.

“Josh?” I guessed.

She sniffed and nodded, looking down. Orianna has been dating Joshua on and off for a year or so. He is based in America so it’s mostly long distance. I have never met Joshua but from what Ori speaks of him, he seems like a pretty intelligent man. However, his history precedes that fact. Joshua has a 10 year-old son from his previous girlfriend and as if that is not baggage enough, he also suffered from sex addiction. The man has clearly made some bad decisions, especially in the bedroom, which is probably why Ori isn’t super stoked to be carrying his child.

“He sure has some strong ones,” I joked. Orianna narrowed her eyes at me. “Too soon? Sorry,” I shrugged. I told you, I have a weird way of coping with shocking news. 

She gave a defeated sigh and rubbed her temples. “Seriously, Ana. I don’t know what I’m going to do!”

“Have you told anyone yet? When did you find out? And how did it happen? Weren’t you being safe?” I blurted. There it is. A normal reaction.

“Um, you’re the only one I’ve told. Well, other than Josh. And I found out last week,” Orianna finally took a seat on the guest bed. “We were being safe… until our last time. It was in the heat of the moment and it was really, really stupid. I took the morning-after pill but it obviously didn’t work.”

I shook my head. “So how did Josh take it?” I stood up from my chair and sat down next to her.

“He wants to keep it. He offered to take care of it so it doesn’t get in the way of me pursuing my career. He said to fly over to the California and have the baby there so it will be a citizen and he’ll raise it and I can do whatever I want,” Orianna explained, frowning. “But I can’t be a mother who is never there for her child. It will play on my conscience. I won’t have that.”

I paused to gather my thoughts. It was strange to call the baby an ‘it’. “Well… in this situation, there is no right and wrong, I think. Whatever decision you make, you need to be able to live with it. I suppose it’s between living with the thought that your child will live neglected of a mother or, for lack of a better word, killing a human life. Of course, the question is whether an embryo is a human life. Because if we were going right into the technicalities, the egg and sperm are alive. But aren’t considered human. Together, though, they form an embryo, another living organism. So, really, at which point does this ‘organism’ be considered a hu—”

“Stop!” Orianna interrupted, shaking her head. “You are not making this any easier, Ana. I’m getting more and more confused by the minute!”

“Sorry,” I took a deep breath. “It’s a lot to take in. I just think that either way… it’s not looking good. You’re essentially making a decision of the lesser of two evils. I mean, it is a huge responsibility to be a mother. You need to be sure to have your priorities straight. Of course, I have no doubt that you will be a great mother… but the most important person to believe this is you. I think in time, you will come to believe it. But now, you are simply not ready. That is not to say that you won’t be able to live up to it once the baby comes along, should you decide to keep it.”

“There are just so many things I want to do and I know this sounds incredibly selfish but I would have to give up a whole lot if I kept this baby,” Orianna started tearing up again.

“Well, that is the sacrifice you would need to make for the position you have put yourself in. And it is not to say you still cannot live a rich and fulfilling life with a child to take care of. Sure your priorities will have to change. But really, all you have to do is work harder to achieve the things that you want to achieve. A baby should not come in the way of that if you’re determined enough,” I said. “In my opinion, opting out of having this baby is simply the easy way out. Having said that, it does make a difference who the father of the baby is. I know Josh isn’t a bad person… but he does have his issues. I’m not sure if he’s the ideal person you want to raise your child with. Not to mention, you will be tied to him for the rest of your life, whether you like it or not.”

Orianna bit her lip. “You’ve got a point… Still, it was really kind of him to offer to raise it though. I’m just afraid if I do keep it and do a bad job raising it that it’ll grow up to be unhappy or broken or—”

“You’re making a self-fulfilling prophecy, that isn’t fair,” I interjected.

“On the other hand,” Orianna continued, “I don’t think I’ll be able to live with myself if I got rid of it. It’ll probably eat away at me that I could’ve had a son or daughter… not to mention I’d heighten my risk of getting children in the future if I went through an abortion. Gosh, Ana. What on earth am I going to do?” She cried out, exasperated. 

“I can’t make this decision for you, Ori,” I told her quietly. “The only thing I can really help you with is to make sure you see all angles to this situation you’ve landed yourself into so you can make a calculated decision.”

Orianna looked up to me and cried. I put my arms around her and hugged her tight in hopes of giving her the comfort and support she so obviously needed.

It was undoubtedly a tough decision. Of course, life is all about making tough decisions. A lot of times, people always say that they ‘have no choice’. I wholeheartedly disagree with that statement. There is always a choice. The choices may not be ideal, but they are still choices nonetheless. Granted, Orianna’s choices are both unfavorable but it was lead from a bad choice she made in the first place before getting to where she is right now.

Lesson learned. Either you stay focused in thinking of the consequences before committing an action you may possibly regret, or you’d have to live with the bad choices you’ve made. Given the situation, what would you do?